I want to type about things.
Things that are currently bugging me.
Like how someone I care about can be so dense and blind, trapping herself in a rather stupid relationship with an idiot who controls her life.
Like how someone else I care about can change so much in a matter of a few months, and you can never really understand why they needed someone else to make them comfortable with those changes.
Or how you can worry about people you care about based on the unfortunate fates of relatives, but then lack the balls to tell them exactly how worried you are.
Or how some people foolishly think that they are always the exception to the rule when it comes to how certain things work.
Whatever, do as you wish, all of you. I wash my hands of this bullshit.
I finally found something of a job opportunity. I’m going for two days of training, tomorrow and Friday, alllllllllll day. I’m not complaining cause I know how hard it is to find a job but I’m so hesitant… I’m so worried. I need to break down these mental barriers I have put up, they are so limiting and stir such irrationality in my mind. The training I will be doing… I don’t know much about it, but I’ll be finding out soon. I don’t even know much about the job, except that I’m decently sure that it will only last for the duration of the summer. However, the moment I agreed to the training, I was emailed by another job that I applied for last week… they accepted my application and want to set up a formal interview (intimidating). That job, while I have literally NO idea what I would be doing, is guaranteed to last me a year. So what do I do? Logic dictates I give both a shot, but my mind races every time I stop to assess the situation. After I go through the training I suppose I’ll have a better idea of what I’ll be doing and I’ll be able to make a more informed decision.. but if I opt not to take it, then I wasted two days… two days spent on the Grand Concourse (quite literally the shit-hole of the Bronx). And what if I opt out, but then my interview at the other job goes horribly and they reject me? What then? Then I have no job. And I’ll be in the exact same position I’m in now. Fuck me. I don’t know how to make light of any of this. Normal people wouldn’t have done this much destructive thinking and worrying; I really need to chill.
On a lighter note, I have been eating less. Much less actually. Also, I bought a lot of fruit and have been eating plums and nectarines as snacks. I’m only two days in but I don’t mind that I’m consuming less food. I just really want Chipotle right now.. maybe this weekend I’ll treat myself.
The one day of the year where I am actually convinced that I will die in an automobile accident.
Seriously, it is a very strange kind of phobia but I always convince myself that I will be likely to die if I go out anywhere on this day… what is this train of thought??
WHICH ONE IS IT?!