My name is Legion, for we are many

I’m noticing lately that my friends, most of them anyway, have improved so much over the years. They’ve all made lives for themselves. All the pudgy guys I grew up with are either thin or muscular now, all the people who seemed so lost have found really good jobs or they’re at least doing something they love, and so many people who were never in serious relationships are getting engaged…

They’ve all changed and improved. And I haven’t at all.

I’m the only one who has gotten worse. I’ve gotten fatter, lazier, more pessimistic, and I’m doubting the very idea that I’ll ever find someone who’d want to marry me. While I was out the other night, I noticed that every person who I was with (people I’ve known for almost a decade) are all healthy, have real jobs, some live on their own, and every single one of them is in a committed relationship that they seem quite happy with. Every one.

I don’t wish bad on any of these people, I’m quite fond of all of them. But I really wish I was where they are to SOME degree. I hate myself so much when I think about these things. I can’t stick to a healthy diet, can’t find a job, can’t even figure out what I might wanna do… I just wish I were able to sleep. I check my email every few hours to see if any of the jobs I applied for have gotten back to me. It’s no surprise that they haven’t. I’m doubting that they will. I’ll apply to more jobs and wait for them to not reply to me also. Sounds like a great time. Maybe I should go see if any neighborhood places need delivery guys. And then I can do that for the next ten years and eventually save enough money to get a shitty apartment where I can live alone for the rest of my life. HOW FUN!!!!!!!

There’s always that one person in a group of friends who is like the “did you hear what happened to him?” guy… and that’s who I’m gonna end up being someday. Everyone is gonna be living their lives, happy or not, and I’m gonna be sitting alone still pondering the same bullshit I’m pondering right now. Never doing what I love, never accomplishing anything. This is the future I see for myself. I want so badly for none of that to come true, but it’s the only logical future I can see right now. I wish all my friends the best, I only wish that I could do better in my life too.

Don’t mind me, I’m a negative piece of shit.

AND I’m exhausted and I want to go away.